Some honesty? (Honestly.)

all we are...

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 02:31:23 GMT

Lots of things have changed.

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 15:30:09 GMT

So I'm generally pretty annoyed. My schedule is eating my life at college. Right now I'm waiting for Gianna to get back from class so we can order chinese takeout which I've been craving since yesterday morning, but at least I only have 3 real classes today. Tuesday was absolutely insane. And I have to get up every morning around 7:15 cause I always have something at 8 or 8:15. But what really annoyed me is that I managed to get into Kirkpatrick choir (the best one here, consisting of about 50 people, most of them music majors) and not into the Orphan Sporks, which is like, the best a capella group here.
Today's also 9/11
and my mother's birthday
and I actually really wish I could see her. Maybe go home for one night. I would enjoy sleeping in my bed.

I'm slightly homesick, very busy, and wish a nap were an option.

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 04:03:26 GMT

I'm kind of surprised that it's really over this time. You know, you think you have it all worked out and just when it gets good and everything is in order, life switches it up again.
My senior year turned out to be pretty comfortable. Spoke to the friends I wanted to, for the most part; was pretty happy with myself and my desires. Loneliness was only a small problem that was overcomeable with a few phone calls and an hour at the piano. And I learned more about myself in a year than I have in a really long time.
Like, I ended up speaking to some people that I would never converse with had I not been tossed into the same classes with them. Seniors and their associated friends, mostly. And in my grade, there are lots of people that I feel deserve lots of respect and definitely a hello or neck-hitch in the hallways, but only about 3 or 4 that I really will miss this summer. I'm not sure if they know who they are or what they mean, but this is hardly the forum for it.
The yearbooks were telltale. Some entries were so sweet they almost felt fake. Sometimes you realize, at the end of the year, how many people noticed you exist, and how many won't remember that you were there by this time in 2009. But you pick up and you move on. The classes continue, but you learn more efficiently, pick up cooler bits of knowledge. It's all for the best, really.
And for 2 hours of sitting around, we get one good picture and one sucky one, and the case of a diploma. Who knew.
The best moments were probably the actual conducting (because that is probably the best high I know), and cheering Murray up because he was a big bowl of i'mma-eat-chu after whoever it was screamed "smoke weed" from the stage. And that's why, I can't wait to fucking leave these shit head behind.
It's all for the best, anyway.

=]

Sat, 24 May 2008 22:13:05 GMT

oh yes, i finally get the chance to hate you.

Wed, 07 May 2008 23:27:50 GMT

DO YOU SNORE? my dad says that i do, lightly.
LOVER OR A FIGHTER? lover
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR? being alone
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER? nah. never very good at it.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"? ridiculous. overkill. entertaining.
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? no.
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? i had my moments. dad says i was a chick magnet.
HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? it sucks mostly. but it's interspersed with surprisingly fabulous moments.
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD? yucky gray.
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? pfft no one sings like i do.
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? i want to!
ANY SECRET TALENTS? local psychologist/empath?
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? anyplace tranquil.
HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI? no thanks.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"? i don't believe so.
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE? insert hypocrisy here.
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? you never get to the center so enjoy the outer coating.
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? not unless you bribe me.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE? lots a times.
ARE SPEEDO'S HOT? pfft get some cotton.
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? -sigh-
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? i know it is.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? like, never
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? i swell often and have no idea what causes it. or my hives.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"? today, when i was apologizing to somebody.
IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE? nope.
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? i've only been to two, and i was completely distracted at both of them.
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? scrambled, burnt.
ARE BLONDES DUMB? they have their moments.
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? the laundry machine ate it. and told me to stop fighting the laws of nature: bring it more socks:
I went to the laundromat to do a wash. Included in the wash were 8 pairs of socks. Out of the wash came six pairs of socks, plus one green one, and one blue one.
A week later I went to the laundromat to do a wash. Included in the wash were six pairs of socks. Out of the wash came four pairs of socks, plus one green one and one gray one.
The next week I went to the laundromat to do a wash. Included in the wash were four pairs of socks. Out of the wash came two pairs of socks. The rest never showed up.
The next week I went to the laundromat to do an experiment. Included in the wash were my last two pairs of socks. Out of the wash came a body stocking. Inside the body stocking, I found a note. The note said, "Quit toying with fate and bring the machine more socks."
WHAT TIME IS IT? 7:21 PM 5/7/08
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? Lauren laur poingy squirt and for some reason, monkey. oh, and rachel occasionally contributes "koala bear"
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING? mostly.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR? 20 minutes ago
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? showers
IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL? nah.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? nope.
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? music, reading, my friends.
HOW OLD ARE YOU? 17
ARE YOU IN LOVE? nope.
WHERE'S HOME? not plainview.
BEST FRIEND? one, with the same name as me. Ironyyyy
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? creamy
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? nope.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY? twice
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? yes.
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS? nope. ihz warm ihn here.
HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED? guide to the galaxy?
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Brown
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? long time ago
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? yes. quite.
WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER? what?
ARE YOU PSYCHIC? nah. empathic.
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"? yes.
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? piano guitar voice, and learning.
CAN YOU SKATEBOARD? pfft. insert collisions here.
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? idk yet, never tried
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? nope.
IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND? sure.
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? yes
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? i'm not michael jacksoning it. sorry dude. not happening.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? honey roasted peanuts.
DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH? yes.
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? hmmmm... idk
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? No
FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT? coldplay.

Sat, 03 May 2008 01:23:55 GMT

k so i fully admit i'm not as strong as i look

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 06:10:12 GMT

DO YOU SNORE? my dad says that i do, lightly.
LOVER OR A FIGHTER? lover
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR? being alone
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER? kinda. i did better with train sets though.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"? meh. not a real life.
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? no.
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? i had my moments. dad says i was a chick magnet.
HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? i'm never single for long.
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD? some uncleaned shade of gray
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? not as often as i dance.
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? i want to!
ANY SECRET TALENTS? pianist, photographer, accompanist, teacher. choose?
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? italy <3
HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI? blech.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"? i don't believe so.
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE? i think it sucks that we're killing it.
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? many ;)
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? not unless i'm drunk.
(i've never experimented with this. but it would be interesting.)
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE? lots a times.
ARE SPEEDO'S HOT? x.x no.
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? -sobs-
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? mhmhmhmhmhmmmhhmmm
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? rarely
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? something that gives me hives and makes me swell. don't ask.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"? today. several times.
IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE? nope.
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? i haven't been to enough to know.
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? scrambled, burnt.
ARE BLONDES DUMB? not all.
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? eaten.
I went to the laundromat to do a wash. Included in the wash were 8 pairs of socks. Out of the wash came six pairs of socks, plus one green one, and one blue one.
A week later I went to the laundromat to do a wash. Included in the wash were six pairs of socks. Out of the wash came four pairs of socks, plus one green one and one gray one.
The next week I went to the laundromat to do a wash. Included in the wash were four pairs of socks. Out of the wash came two pairs of socks. The rest never showed up.
The next week I went to the laundromat to do an experiment. Included in the wash were my last two pairs of socks. Out of the wash came a body stocking. Inside the body stocking, I found a note. The note said, "Quit toying with fate and bring the machine more socks."
WHAT TIME IS IT? 1:03AM on 2/21/08. yes, I realize it's late.
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? Lauren. Laur. Poingy. Baby or angel, if you're jon.
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING? mostly.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR? today
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? showers
IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL? nah.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? nope.
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? reading, blip, photography, music, teaching.
HOW OLD ARE YOU? 17
ARE YOU IN LOVE? Totally.
WHERE'S HOME? Jon's house. i mean. i live in NY. but... jon's house.
BEST FRIEND? one, with the same name as me. Ironyyyy
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? creamy
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? nope.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY? twice
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? yes.
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS? yes. or i would freeze.
HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED? nope.
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Brown
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? it's been a while.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? It's got its good moments
WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER? i dont care.
ARE YOU PSYCHIC? nah
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"? yes.
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? piano guitar voice, and learning.
CAN YOU SKATEBOARD? no
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? idk yet, never tried
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? i don't know...
IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND? sure.
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? in some cases.
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? pfft yeah right.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? i-squeam
DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH? delicious green stuff.
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW? love.
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? that axe one cause it's stuck in my head due to its perpetual hotness.
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? Not unless i'm desperate.
FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT? don't make me choose. i'll eat you.

no really. i'll eat you.

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 02:12:58 GMT

Kind of funny how I thought you were different.
i really tried to be here for you, you know.

Welcome to my New Blip.

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 00:21:16 GMT

there's not a lot to say
in my head i hear your slow breaths and your drumbeat heart
in my head we are ducked under blankets and so, so close.

there's not a lot to say
because the way you look at me says it all;

I'm sorry I've been such a pain
I've been stupid and unnecessarily insecure
I'm locking it all away.

I promise to be yours and shut down my overactive mind
And just feel. And know.

<3 you are everything.

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 19:59:46 GMT

I'm looking forward to Delaware.
The other auditions promise to be bottled hell, served straight.

Gah. Why music. Why.

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 01:22:33 GMT

miserable.

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 23:39:23 GMT

haircut, check.
travel size bottles filled with useless junk, check.
flight plans, check.
six weeks of upcoming hell, check.

I don't want to do this.

stolen from faye

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 22:54:41 GMT

// series one - You
---> Name: Lauren
---> Birth date: 11/2
---> Birthplace: brooklyn
---> Current Location: Plainview
---> Eye Color: brown
---> Hair Color: brown
---> Righty or Lefty: righty
---> Zodiac Sign: scorpio
// series two - describe
---> The shoes you wore today: ridiculous heels, converse.
---> Your hair: just got cut.
---> Your eyes: brown
---> Your weakness: romantic musicians? lol
---> Your fears: being entirely alone
---> Your perfect pizza: extra sauce.
---> One thing you'd like to achieve: a good outcome to these auditions
// series three - what is
---> Your most overused phrase on aol\aim: haha/whatchu thinkin?
---> Your thoughts first waking up: hell no. -pulls covers over head-
---> The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: confidence
---> Your best physical features: no idea.
---> Your usual bedtime: it's been 11-ish lately.
---> Your greatest accomplishment: piano
---> Your best memory: every moment with jon
// series four - do you
---> Smoke: no
---> Cuss: yeah
---> Sing well: yes.
---> Want to go to college: yes and no.
---> Like high school: it bites.
---> Want to get married: yes
---> Type with your fingers on the right keys: wtf yes.
---> Believe in yourself: mostly
---> Get motion sickness: not really
---> Think you're attractive: rarely
---> Like thunderstorms: with company
---> Play an instrument: yes
// series five - have you ever?
---> Played a game that required removal of clothing?: nope
---> Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: no
---> Been caught "doing something": ?
---> Been called a tease: yes
---> Gotten beaten up: no
---> Shoplifted: no
---> If so, did you get caught: -
---> Changed who you were to fit in: not really.
// series six - the future
---> Age you hope to be married: after college
---> Numbers and Names of Children: 2.
---> What country would you most like to visit: i want to go back to italy. and i'd love england or france. switzerland too.
---> Current Clothes: t-shirt and pajama pants.
---> Current Taste: ew.
---> Current Hair: ponytail.
---> Current Annoyance: not with jon.
---> Current Smell: kirra- pacsun
---> Current thing you ought to be doing: showering, doing homework or piano practice or college shit.
---> Current Desktop Picture: something sci fi ish from deviantart.
---> Current Music: none
---> Current Book: PS i love you
---> Current DVD In Player: shall we dance
---> Current Worry: jon being sick
---> Current Crush: Jon

revised

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 02:17:39 GMT

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss...
was everything i've wanted.

2. Last night I...
went to all county. oh. my. god. kill me.

3. I smoke...
Nothing, ever.

4. Tomorrow I will...
celebrate the amazingness that is the holiday, friday.

5. I love...
jon. blipfoto. poetry. writing about music. the thought of auditions being locked up.

6. My room is...
too cluttered.

7. this one was deleted.

8. I hate it when people...
rant about a whole bunch of emotions, and when you try to tell them that it will get better, you only dig yourself a grave.

9. also deleted.

10. Marriage is
wonderful, hopefully.

11. I used to...
have topics to write about?

12. I'm always...
looking for the light.

13. I have a secret crush on...
uh... it's really not a secret <33333333

14. deleted.

15. My mobile phone...
is pointless.

16. When I wake up in the morning...
i really can't understand the virtues of waking up at ass-o-clock. but i do it anyway.

17. Before I go to bed I..
IM people, check blipfoto, read, take infinite medication so i don't have an asthma attack in my sleep, brush my teeth, and think of him.

18. Right Now i'm thinking about...
him.

19. babies are...
quite cute.

20. I get on myspace...
never. because... no.

21. Today I...
realized how much longterm projects and papers ruin my life.
and brewed over the fact that i've been working for 3 months and have not received a check.

22. Tonight I will...
not practice piano until i have no functioning (awake) brain cells.

23. I really want to...
curl up in bed with jon, get rid of his cold.

aieouroaeiuriaoeur i hate having all this work.

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 01:55:21 GMT

two more days with these self-chopped horribly wretched bangs. oh, haircuts...

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 04:36:58 GMT

Musings. some of it is totally untrue (for instance most of my friends did not drink ridiculously last night and I've already met my dream guy). But the rest? Hmm...

Everyone’s got crazy pictures of the insane, hungover things they did last night. They were all delirious lunatics, drunk and rambling, muttering and bumping into things, posing wildly and holding the power to hand over blackmail material that will last for years. They’ve all got it. I’ve got my sober self. It’s new years eve. I have to sit here and wonder, “What am I doing?”

What’s going to be different this year? Am I going to chop all of my hair off? Get an eyebrow ring? Learn to paint graffiti art? Am I finally going to decide what’s best for me, get that dream car, meet that dream guy? Well, it seems to all start here, and here is square one on the path of these endless squares, all numbered one. Where do I go from here?

I’m beginning to realize that New Year doesn’t mean anything. Time is just a fabric of human sensitivity to the passing evolution of the universe. If we didn’t monitor time, it wouldn’t exist. And we base it off the rotation of the earth and how many days this rock takes to make one ellipse around the sun, but who cares? When we go, time goes with us. When we go, it all goes.

So the term New Years is also just a figment of this huge plot we’ve devised to place everything down to the second. Again, “second” is a very fluid concept. We’re still guessing, pulling strings to see what works, and poking each other in the nose for entertainment. Where’s all the proof? Where’s all the importance?

Every 365 days doesn’t magically draw up a clean slate. Every day can be that fresh start. At any point in time during any moment filled with insane epiphany, you can decide that you’re going to start doing your own laundry, searching for a job, and going to the gym on weekends. And maybe you can start doing something good for yourself. So why is New Years so important?

In the case of my friends, it’s a chance for them to all get together, scream hallelujah thank god this year is over, gimme another one I wanna get a better shot at it this time. In my case, it was the chance to cuddle up on the couch, and say oh hey look at that big shiny thing and all those crazy people out in the freezing cold chilling their bones in Times Square. That looks kind of pointless. Why am I watching this. *eats another Double Stuff oreo*.

So they all gather together and hug and take too many pictures and maybe take down some Christmas ornaments while popping open bottles of champagne and sparking cider, just waiting for the chance to count down from 10 to the New Year like they’ve just cured cancer at 12 on the dot.

But I think I’m ranting viciously about this mostly because a) I wasn’t invited, b) I once used to like these people and now hate them and c) I really wish I was there.

"That’s it for the paperwork, I tell them. The rest is up to you."
"Fuck you all. And football sucks."
- Shall We Dance

I'm graduating this year. I'm going to have an awesome summer and I'm totally going to learn to be a music teacher. I can't fucking wait.
This town feels like a zooming spiral of hell. There's like 2 people in my grade that I'd actually take with me. I'm lucky I went to Usdan and MSM because if my options for friendships were lowered to just this town? woo. I'd be totally alone.
But the people from camp and the people I've met along the road and the juniors and sophomores i actually care about? leaving them is going to suuuuck.
still, getting out.

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 18:15:30 GMT

3) every new year isn't a clean slate - every day is.

4) it's ok to be a pyro who reads too much and loves music for all the strange reasons.

5) girls are bitches. they know what hurts and how to make it hurt worse. don't get involved. it's really not worth it.

6) he's the best thing that's ever happened to you. but you knew that already.

7) your handwriting really isn't that bad.

13) don't try so hard to grow up - it's happening anyway.

14) "take lots of pictures."

15) you will regret not going to all those lame school events. so just go.

16) don't just think about dancing. just get up and dance.

17) all of those scary questions? it's important to ask them.

happy new year.

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 18:43:41 GMT

but you, why do you wanna give me a runaround?
is it a sure-fire way to speed things up?
when all it does is slow me down

hey julie, look what they're doing to me
tryin' to trip me up, tryin' to wear me down
julie i swear it's so hard to bear it
and i'd never make it through without you around

=] upbeat stuff.
offbeat stuff?

<3 christmas.

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 20:16:30 GMT

So as promised, I went to Jon's yesterday. We laid around for a while, decided to head to a movie, walked there in the cold, then watched I Am Legend. I know I sound like a wus, but that movie was the scariest thing i have seen in a really long time. Like, I kept looking over at him just thinking, we actually paid to see this? The ending turned out ok, but the whole thing in general scared both of us. And I won't be renting that one when it comes out.

We should've seen Juno. or August Rush. Or anything, except that. The only perk was being able to cuddle up to him and squeeze the shit out of his hand.

Anyway, we went out to a pizzeria afterwards, with pretty good (but highly expensive) food, and we played the question game over dinner. He asked me to tell him one of my secrets, but I'd shown him Laura's video already. So I promised that when we got home, I'd go through them again with him.

So we sat down at the computer and I pointed out the twenty something of those picture secrets that were mine. I left out a few that I couldn't explain adequately, or that i thought might freak him out. But I thought it was amazing that we were doing this together. It's not that often that you get to share something as intimate as watching the secrets you've kept flash across the screen.

He showed me the music video for the Song of Aeolus, a crazy piece he did for choir, then dad said he was headed over. We laid back down for a while, and the night ended too soon.

I started decorating with mom yesterday, but today dad took me to fortunoffs and we picked up a few ornaments. I'm totally in love with them, and my house looks quite festive now. It's a little unconventional, but we're not really a conventional family.

Next up is nap, then cleaning, then piano practice.
My room looks like a bomb hit it.

<3 this holiday.
<33333 my boyfriend.

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 04:45:48 GMT

It's interesting that we're supposed to be taking stock of the past and looking forward to the future, but all my mother can do is linger in her worries and woes. She flipped out on dad and I because she had trouble reaching the florida bunch, and I cannot help but feel that she is so insecure in herself and where she's headed that this next year will be miserable for her.

But this is what I see happening:
I'm going to audition, and get in someplace. I'll choose where I want to go from those acceptances and set myself up someplace. I'll complete high school, and then 'll start learning to be a music teacher, and my parents will have to adjust to the idea that their kid is away at school. I'll have to adjust to the issue of plainview problems staying in plainview, and i'll meet way too many people. and theoretically, jon and I will make it.
I might lose my nana this year. We'll see. She's not doing well. Neither is my Aunt Penni, but she's a fighter, for the most part.
I'll be smart about my choices at school and I'll turn 18 and I'll come home often and that'll be good.

...I had more to say on this topic but I totally forgot what it was.

whatever. I'm exhausted. We caroled all day. I'm really proud of last night's performance and I have to admit that being up with the treble choir was sick, and it's exactly what I want for my future. Except I hope they have the connection (if not a better one) than the mixed choir does. 'Cause the problem with mixed is... all those feelings come on on one night or one trip a year, and the rest of the time we're not a cohesive group. We sing together, but we don't necessarily all care about each other. That's the one thing keeping us from being a family.
Anyway, I caroled and now I'm voiceless and I had to record stuff for auditions and I'm so ready to get to sleep. But I'm psyched for tomorrow. Cause... jon.

On a different note, Jen's driving me nuts.

People to see/things to do this vacation:
Tara Jon Alex Brickel Theeny!!!!!
Rachel Zach Rachel H?
Triple date Erica Alyssa
Jesse Jen Sydney

And P.S. check out Sara Bareilles. Her music is... fuckin' incredible. -end-

Stealing all of Jordan's surveys (sorry man)

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 22:14:46 GMT

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? felt comfortable with myself and been able to let things roll off my shoulders.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I can't remember what they were. Nor will I ever complete one.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope

4. Did anyone close to you die? Harriet, Marlies.

5. What countries did you visit? Italy

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? assurance that my future is sealed

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 6.15, first day of camp.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? feeling ready for auditions, getting in academically and soon, musically.

9. What was your biggest failure? not preparing for things soon enough.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing terrible.

11. What was the best thing you bought? mm... nothing.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? teachin''''

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? jon sometimes. sydney others. rachel just made me hurt inside. and jen, constantly.

14. Where did most of your money go? food/the occasional outing

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? aerioaeurilovemyboy and this relationship.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? joshua radin, sara bareilles, jason mraz. hey there delilah.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? the same
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. richer or poorer? soon to be richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Christmas shopping, attending all the stupid school things that i now regret not going to, even if i wasn't there for a good reason.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? putting shit off. getting angry when really i should've laid off.

21. What was your favorite TV program? scrubs

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? not gonna lie, yes.

23. What was the best book you read? death by black hole.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery? that i can teach? sara barielles, my desire to play the viola, joshua radin (thanks jordan, got that one from you)

25. What did you want and get? fulfilling relationship, release of the past, to forgive forget and keep living.

26. What did you want and not get? viola.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? none.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 17, ate tons of ice cream with really cool kids.

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? jon being in my school.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? comfortable.

31. What kept you sane? music

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? robin williams.

33. What political issue stirred you the most? election

34. Who did you miss? jon.

35. Who was the best new person you met? hi, jon.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: families come in all forms. they hinder you and help you, and they fall apart and get back together again. people die, people are born, the world is constantly changing. what matters is that you play on every downbeat, remember what love feels like and continue the quest for it, and despite everybody who bothers to keep you down, surpass your own expectations, and then some.

Best of the Year:

1. Party: birthday party.

2. Show: scrubs, miami ink

3. CD: busted stuff - DMB

4. Movie: ?

5. Song: wonderwall - ryan adams

6. Experience: camp

7. Concert: ryan cabrera

8. Book: death by black hole

9. Month: summer.

10. Day: 6.15. first day of camp. second day of camp <3333

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 21:58:23 GMT

1) Where did you begin 2007 and with who? I truly can't remember. Probably at Dawyn's house.
2) What was your status by Valentine's Day? Ross.
3) Were you in school? Uh... not on the first. but afterwards, obviously.
4) How did you earn your money? Not really.
5) Did you have to go to the hospital? nope
6) Did you have any encounters with the police? Thankfully, no.
7) Where did you go on holidays? Grandma. I know dan was around for thanksgiving but I can't remember what I did for the holidays.
8) What did you purchase that was over $1,000? Nothing.
9) Did you know anybody who got married? Cousin in florida
10) Did you know anybody who passed away? Great Aunt Harriet, Grandma Marlies.
11) Do you like someone? I'm totally in love with this guy.
12) Did you move anywhere? no
14) What concerts/shows did you go to? ryan cabrera over the summer.
15) Who did you want to win Big Brother? that's still around?
17) Where do you live now? Plainview
18) Describe your birthday? 15 people, sixty flavors of ice cream. best boy in the world.
19) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007? Would rather not post specifics here. but I got much more comfortable with myself in a) group situations b)teaching situations and c) in general.
20) What has been your favorite moment? Italy. the good parts. and my first kiss with jon, the first day of camp this past summer. being truly in love.
21) Where did you go on vacation? Italy w/choir. buffalo.
22) Any new additions to your family? nope
23) What was your favorite month? June-August.
24) How much have you partied? not a ton. but enough =]
27) What did you do for 4th of July? Lauren, Max, Jon. Fireworks in the rain <3
28) Favorite Night out? July 4
29) Name the instance in which you had most to drink? I didn't.
30) Are you in a relationship now? yes. and it's fucking awesome.

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 20:20:27 GMT

Choir last night made me livid. We had a good connection last week and in the course of seven days we returned to the i-don't-give-a-fuck-about-you mentality.

Which was why it was nice to stay after school and help skyla out. I knew she needed me, and I knew I could help her, so I did. And I know she can do it.

And I really fucking want my digital camera cause I want to start my blipfoto. I was going through Alex's, Rachel's, and Laura's stuff and was instantly inspired. Things that seemed boring when I thought of shooting them in B&W with my SLR suddenly seemed vibrant and interesting. I've got too many ideas and I can't shoot them because it has to be taken day-of. -.- camera. now.

Oh, and i found my permit. =)

But seriously, i need my license.

I am crazy about jon but he needs to stop being a stickler about Christmas. It's just a holiday, just a tradition, just a mindset.
He needs to be here now.

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 22:08:58 GMT

I'm trying really hard not to freeze.
it's really not working.

Friday I had two music lessons and went out to dinner with Dawyn. We played spit (the card game) over the TGI Friday's dinner table and it was amazing. But I think I left my permit there.

Saturday morning I hopped out of bed way too early and went to the doctor to get some medication that would prevent me (hopefully) from waking up every night at 4 gasping for breath and having to use the inhaler every day. I was kind of dying.
Went to the mall to look for some clothes and instead found another Nicholas Sparks book.
Then went to Rachel's house where we had a very good talk and lots of amazing venting. I love how caring she is. I don't think I've ever had somebody ask me whether I'm ok with the same honest curiosity I've seen in her. She really is something special. And I love her a lot.
Then went to the Bethpage Village Restoration to chill with usdanites, and brought them back here for apples to apples. Which was adorable. And Amanda's gettin' a boyfriend!!! =D
The thing that sucked was I spoke to jon for maybe six minutes and it was our six month anniversary. Needless to say he was a little ticked.

Sunday I had notworthy, which was fun. But I can't wait to start doing some other pieces :) Sweet dreams was sounding really good, so we decided to do it for the day concert instead of rockin' around the christmas tree. I think it's better anyway, for opening a concert.
(oh my god it's collllllllld)
And then I hoped to see jon but he said he'd be busy and that was a big fat pouting moment on my end. Oh well.

Today all i cared about was the day concert. I think noteworthy sounded good but I couldn't tell because I was too busy hyperventilating. There is no break in the Alto 2 part. Ever. -.-
Conducted treble choir, then sang with mixed. I guess that all went ok. I realized that it's much less distracting to be the conductor because you're staring at the group, while they're seeing the whole auditorium full of people, friends they know sitting down there, whatever. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be focused and pay attention. Meh.

I had fun anyway. The rest of my day, except for swing dancing, was shit.
<3 seventh period on odd days.

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 01:42:03 GMT

Saturday will be six months with Jon. I can't believe it's been so long. It feels like it's been 2 and a half months... but the best ones of my life. It's crazy, cause we've had some ups and downs and everything, but my friend bravely pointed out to me that it seems I can't go a week without seeing him, and every day I miss him like crazy. I'm really proud of what we accomplished here. I don't deserve him, but I love the fact that I can call him mine.
I saw Laura's post today. I sat in awe as I watched the secrets of this little island pass in front of my eyes. I love both of those songs too, and I felt they fit perfectly. And I really couldn't believe it when I realized that twenty one of those pictures were mine. I don't know what that says about me. But I miss having that as a way to pour them out. Yes, I can still make the pictures and write the captions, but it's different when you know you're spilling your thought somewhere else, where others will read it. I'm sorry the site got out of control. I truly miss it.
I'm so ready for school to be over. I'm hoping everything freezes overnight and there won't be any school tomorrow. Something tells me I won't be that lucky, but hell, I can hope.
Actually, that could be pretty bad. Cause choir needs a lot of rehearsals. I'm kind of more worried for this concert than most. But I know the choir's in good shape. Maybe it's because of the big role I'm playing in it? I think if you were conducting 2 pieces, playing 3, and singing a bunch (which... you don't necessarily know all the lyrics to *cough* a mighty fortress is our god *cough*) you might be nervous too.
I hope he doesn't lose his patience and send us out again. Cause... that would suck. Feels almost as bad as his disappointment in us at Italy.

iauweroiaureiauilovethisboybutheneedstomovetoplainviewcauseican'tgoanotherdaywithouthim.